The Ally's ToolKit

youarenotyou:

1. Don’t tone police. It is NOT your right to dictate how someone should react to their oppression.
2. Don’t demand a detailed explanation.* Asking for an explanation is not always harmful. Sometimes, getting more information will help you understand better. Know, however, when you do this, you are asking the person to justify their call out. This can be extremely exhausting, and many resources are already available to help you better understand. Often, demanding explanations is just a way to try and derail, start an argument, or discredit the other person.
3. Don’t get defensive. When someone points out something shitty you’ve done, it’s about their needs and how they’re feeling hurt.
4. Similarly, don’t take it personally. Calling out is not a personal attack. If someone calls you out, they’re trying to teach you something. Calling out is a way for people to educate others on how systems of oppression operate on a day to day, individual level.
5. Don’t attack the person who’s calling you out. Enthusiastic reactions of self-defence (e.g. “Well that’s your fault! Not mine! Jeeze!”) can feel like an attack to someone who’s made themselves vulnerable by pointing out something careless you’ve done or said. Physical reactions of defensiveness are obviously fucked up.
6. Don’t assume the person calling you out is just “looking to get offended”. Generally, people don’t enjoy calling other people out. To call someone out, people often have to mentally prepare for serious repercussions. Calling someone out might mean starting an argument, during which many people will side with the oppressor by default (especially if you’re privileged over the person calling you out). Chances are, the person who’s calling you out isn’t doing so as a fun hobby.
7. Understand that being oppressive is not the same as being offensive or hurting feelings. Although both these instants are worth calling out, the damage you may have perpetuated is part of a larger system of oppression.
8. Realize that your intent is irrelevant when it comes to whether you were oppressive or not.
9. Recognize the power dynamics that are in place between you and the person calling you out.
10. Understand intersectionality. IE: Just because you are oppressed by classism, doesn’t mean you lack male privilege. Do Not abuse this to derail the other person’s concerns.
11. Know that being privileged means being oppressive, but we can all work to reduce the ways we are oppressive.
12. LISTEN.
13. Follow the 4 A’s of Accountability:
    - Acknowledge the damage
    - Apologise genuinely
    - Amend (follow the link for insight)
    - Act in ways that are different from the ways you might have been acting that got you called out in the first place
14. Work on oppression reduction and being the best ally you can be. Everyone has to unlearn the oppressive things they’ve absorbed from an oppressive society. We are all taught ways to keep marginalized people in their place, but the good thing is that we can identify these things in ourselves and create changes.

Feel free to add to this or change as necessary.

*ETA: Why you’re not owed an explanation.

taiu:

“Your racism is showing when we are invisible to you; an afterthought solicited to integrate your white organizations.

Your racism is showing when in frustrated anger, you don’t understand why we won’t do your racism work for you. Do it yourself. Educate yourself. Don’t ask another Black woman to explain it all to you. Read a book.

Your racism is showing when you pay too much attention to us. We resent your staring scrutiny that reveals how much we are oddities to you.

Your racism is showing in your cowardly fear of us; when you send someone else to talk to us on your behalf, perhaps another sister; when conflict resolution with us means you call the police. When you ignore what the police do to Black people and call them anyway, your racism is showing.

Your racism is showing when you eagerly embrace the lone Black woman in your collective, while fearing, resenting, suspecting and attacking a vocal, assertive group of Black women. One Black woman you can handle, but organized Black women are a real problem. You just can’t handle us having any real power.

Your racism is showing when you comment on our gorgeous “ethnic clothing or ask us why we wear dreads when we are perfect strangers to you. Would you do the same to a white stranger wearing Ralph Lauren and a page boy? These are also ethnic styles.

Your racism is showing when you demand to know our ethnicity, if we don’t look like your idea of a Black person. We are not accountable to you for how our bodies look. And we don’t have to be “nice” to you and tolerate your prying.

Your racism is showing when you insist upon defining our reality. You do not live inside our skin, so do not tell us how we should perceive this world. We exist and so does our reality.

Your racism is showing when our anger makes you panic. Even when we are not angry at you or your racism, but some simple, ordinary thing. When our expressed anger translates to you as a threat of violence, this is your unacknowledged fear of retribution or exposure and it is revealing your guilt.

Your racism is showing when YOU, by your interference, will not allow us to have our own space. We realize you never expected to be denied access to anything and any place, but sometimes you should stay away from Black women’s spaces. You do not have to be there just in case something exotic is going on or just in case we are plotting against you. In these instances, you are not just uninvited guests, you are infiltrators. This is a hostile act.

Your racism is showing when you cry, “Reverse discrimination!” There is no such thing. Only privileged people who have never lived with discrimination, think there can be a “reverse.” This means thatyou think it shouldn’t happen to you, only to the other people it normally happens to — like US.

Your racism is showing when you exclaim that we are paranoid and expecting racism around every corner. Racism inhabits this society at a core level. Ifwe weren’t constantly on our guard, we, as a people, would be dead by now.

Your racism is showing when you daim you have none. This economy and culture would not have existed without slave labour to build it. The invasion and exploitation of the Americas depended upon the conviction that people of colour were less than human. Otherwise, we could not have been so cruelly used. You grew up in a racist society. How could you not be racist? You cannot simply decide that racism is “bad” and therefore you are no longer racist. This is not unlearning racism. Black people could not afford to be this naive.

Your racism is showing when you think that all racists are violent, ignorant, card-carrying Nazis. You are fooling yourself, but not us, if you think that racism refers to the unconnected, isolated, “just-plain-mean actions and attitudes of bad people. Most racists are nice folks, especially in this country. Racism is systemic and cannot be separated out from this culture.

We do not want to witness or dry your tears. Yes, racism hurts. It hurts you, but please do not entertain the notion that it hurts much as us. Racism kills us, not you. Your tears will not garner our sympathy. We are no longer your property, therefore we will no longer take care of you. We don’t want to see your foolishness, so take your racism work to your own place and do it there.

TO WHITE FEMINISTS, BE YOU LIBERAL, RADICAL, SEPARATIST, RICH, OR NOT-YOUR RACISM IS SHOWING. YOU CAN EXPECT TO HEAR FROM VOCAL, ORGANIZED BLACK WOMEN WHO WILL BE IN YOUR FACE ABOUT IT.”

Carol Camper, “To White Feminists” Canadian Woman Studies, 1994

mytongueisforked:

dumbthingswhitepplsay:

Rebloggable upon request.

ttkl asked: what do you say to white people who are almost exclusively sexually attracted to people of other ethnicities?

Watch your fetishization. Watch it hard. However, being exclusively attracted to beauty outside of the norm is ALSO a product of the predominantly white-focused media, namely the rebellious part. In my experiences talking to white people who are solely into non-white people, they usually express feelings of undesirability WRT other white people, or say “non-white people are way more accepting and open of certain traits that whites find undesirable”. Some of them have expressed that their parents “really disliked” the particular people they are interested in most, and that they “really dislike” their parents. All of these are extremely dangerous things, signs of fetishization, and also a sign that this person will end up being extremely racist down the line, using the “I’m dating non-white people, aren’t I? I can’t be racist!” line to excuse all sorts of racist acts against their partner and other non-whites.

Love us, please, but watch the above very carefully in your dealings with us.

vulgaremusingsnquirks:

All of these skills are ones that I have been trying to work on for the past little while. I find them enormously helpful! They are also usually what I am looking for when there is a conflict that produces an emotional response (it’s important to me that the person tries to listen and validate why I might be upset about a particular action or set of actions), as well as what I am looking for when I need to be supported.

Enjoy!

1. COMPONENTS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

* Active Response: “umhum”, “yeah”.

- lets the person know you are still with them.

*Parotting: restating what the person said.

- person says, “I am really angry.” Response, “You feel angry.” It lets the person know you heard what they said. USE SPARINGLY.

*Paraphrasing: re-wording what the person said.

- Person says, “How could this have happened to me.” You say, “You don’t understand why this happened.” It tells the person that you are listening to them as well as is a way of checking in and making sure your understanding is correct. Offers encouragement for them to continue talking.

*Mirroring: paraphrasing with additional content, names, feelings. Person says, “How could this have happened to me?” Response, “It sounds like you are confused and frustrated by what has happened.” Its a way to check in and make sure your understanding is correct and encourages the person to continue. Adds opportunity to explore and express feelings. People will likely confirm or correct you if the feeling you have offered does not match their experience.

Some examples of mirroring statements:

It seems as if…
I hear you saying…
I get the feeling…
I think I hear you saying…
It feels as though…
What I seem to be hearing…
Sounds to me like…
I wonder if…
Am I right in thinking…
I get the sense that…
You seem to be…
I imagine…
So you’re feeling…

* Open ended questions: cannot respond with a yes or no. It encourages people to explore the feelings and the experience. Avoid why questions because they can be felt as judgemental. Use these for specific purposes and try to stay with the person rather than asking about what interests you. Examples of open ended questions:

What does that feel like?
How would you like things to be?
How are you feeling now?
What do you imagine…
What more can you tell me about that?
What have you thought of?
Where would you like to begin?
What would it be like…
How do you feel about that?
What would you like to do about…
Can you tell me what that means to you?
I’m wondering…

* Close ended questions: a “yes” or “no” response is required. Useful when we need specific information, e.g. for safety or needing medical attention. USE SPARINGLY- people could feel like they are under interrogation. Avoid “should” or “shouldn’t”- they sound judgemental e.g. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about that.” Examples:

Is it ok to talk about this now?
Would you like to explore some options?
Would you like to talk more about it?

2. VALIDATING

Often when people are in distress, they may be confused or overwhelmed by feelings, or perhaps not feeling anything at all when they think they should feel overwhelmed. They may feel conflicting emotions simultaneously or change moods often. They often feel that they are different, crazy or bad. They may feel confused or isolated. Other people may think that they are being too emotional, or not emotional enough, or feeling “wrong” feelings such as hate or rage.

Validation let’s them know that they are not crazy, that their responses are valid and that they are not alone.

Use phrases like these:

“It’s understandable that…” (but not “I understand.”)
“It’s ok that you…”
“It makes sense that you…”
“Many women could relate to that…”
“That is a very common reaction for men (women) who were abused”
“Of course you would feel that way.”
“It’s a perfectly natural reaction to…”
“Many people would feel that way.”
“You have every right to feel…”

Your tone should match you words, and can add emphasis.

There are many different ways to validate people’s experience and feelings, and with time you will develop your own style and find ways to speak to different people’s experience with different words.

3. THE SMALL “O” OF OPTIONS

Why people sometimes do want help with problem solving, they do not generally want advice. People have the need and right to make their own choices; they are experts in their own experience.

Why a small “o”? In our society there is a strong, well-meant tendency to give “good advice.” Many of us believe that we can, and should, do our best to fix other peoples problems. Mostly people want to be believed, validated, listened to, and applauded.

The AHO of Options: ASK the person whether or not they would like to explore options. Get as clear as you can on what exactly they want options for.

HISTORY: what ideas has the person thought of? What have they tried? Listen well- this will help point you in the right direction away from unsucessful attempts.

OFFER: come up with some possible ideas, and listen to the person consider them, one at a time, without pressure. Listen well, as you are likely to learn more about the person’s situation from their responses even to rejected options. This may help you come up with better options. BE MINDFUL OF MARGINALIZATION AND DIFFERENCE. Some ideas may not possible because of disAbility, lack of financial resources, cultural differences, etc. Always check if its something that could work for them.

4. APPLAUSE

This is a way to support people to feel more empowered when they may be feeling disempowered, discouraged, and bad about themselves in different ways. E.g. “Thanks so much for bringing this to my attention!”